You’re freaking tired of hearing about the damn Unicorn Frappuccino. Well so am I sister. And the new Dragon Frappucino? The one they created in a vain attempt to prevent angry patrons who missed out on the Uni Frapp from mobbing their local Starbucks?
Don’t even get me started.
I can just see it now, hoards of sANGRY (sugar deprived + angry) pissed off people wielding picket signs and megaphones shouting, “WHAT DO WE WANT? The Unicorn. “WHY DO WE WANT IT? Because capitalism. And sugar.
I’ve been getting a lot of flack from friends, family and followers over my negative review of the Unicorn Frappuccino. The comments on Youtube vary between downright hysterical to psychotic. Apparently people are very protective of their right to consume artificial ingredients.
Here are a few of my favorites:
“You need to relax”
“It’s just every once in awhile, it’s not like I drink them every morning.”
“It’s just a f’n drink god dammit why is everyone so pissed off?”
Oh and the best, “your review just gave Starbucks free press.”
Okay so maybe the haters are right about that last one. But, here is my response to what I now refer to as “Uni-gate:”
Dear beloved readers:
You have every right to walk into Starbucks with your head held high (and dressed as a bronie with hooves for hands and sweating glitter for all I care) and buy yourself a magical pony drink that tastes like complete a$$. This is America after all! You even have the liberty to purchase one for your child, Mom, aunt, cousin, sister or the family goldfish. I do not judge, laugh behind your back or point at your photo on Facebook and say “SUCKER!” Truly. The purpose of my review was to allow you to make an educated decision about your purchase. Many of us (I can put myself into this category as of a couple days ago) have no idea what is actually in a Starbucks Frappuccino or many of the drinks we kick back on the daily. Hopefully I was able to shed some light on the subject and hell, I learned a lot through my own research!
Yours in the cause,
This long ass rant went on far too long. After trying out several different recipes and methods, I finally found a healthier, tastier alternative to the Unicorn Frappuccino. Even my kids love it! And let me tell you, you are more likely to see a real unicorn galloping across your kitchen then to see my kids actually enjoy something that I made.
And while it may not transform you until a magical pony, you won’t be pooping pink and purple for two days straight afterward (which can actually happen with artificial dyes). So shitty.
My kids will only drink one type of smoothie, so I took that recipe, made a couple changes and morphed it into a kick-ass unicorn treat! It’s pinkish/purple, has the cool blue swirls on the inside of the cup and is topped with whipped coconut milk and of course has pink sprinkles for days. And best of all, it has healthy ingredients. Like seriously healthy. Kale healthy.
Oh and it’s easy. Because any smoothie recipe that takes more than 8 minutes to make is as good as dead to me.
One handful of spinach (fresh)
One handful of frozen pineapple or papaya
One handful frozen cherries*
*Highly recommend frozen because you can have these ingredients on hand for unicorn smoothie emergencies
One squirt of coconut oil (or a teaspoon of solid coconut oil)
Dash of tumeric
1 cup almond milk (regular milk is fine). You want to make sure that you almost cover the ingredients in the blender, so if you need to add more, totally fine.
2 glugs of kefir
1 package of dragonfruit*
*This is the magic ingredient! It gives the smoothie it’s amazing techno pink color. You can usually find these at your local grocery store, they come in big packages filled with individual packets.
Blue dye (I use the India tree brand which is a natural food dye)
1 can of coconut milk
Sprinkles (I use India tree brand which are free of articifical food dyes).
- Place the can of coconut milk in the fridge (preferably overnight)
- Remove the top (hardened layer) from the can and place into a bowl.
- Whip it with a beater until it becomes frothy
- Set aside
- Pour a bit of the remaining coconut milk into a bowl and place three drops of blue dye
- Mix well
- Apply to inside of the cup with finger or spoon
- Place all the remaining ingredients (minus the sprinkles) in the blender and blend well.
- Top with whipped cream and sprinkles
- Stand in front of the mirror and shout “Damn it feels good to be a gangsta!”
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